Well...So That Was Cool

Today was the Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. lecture in Fredonia. After going through the line and getting my book signed by Mr. Kennedy, I was talking to Laura, Randy, and Matt when I happened to glance to my right.

Destini was standing there in line.

It was the first time I had seen her since July of 2004. Well, I'm not going to try and be cool like I don't remember the exact date. It was July 24.

I gave her a hug, but it was barely reciprocated. With her mother droning on behind her, "how come you don't hug me like that when I see you on campus - ha ha ha" - I tried to ignore it....

I would think that my feelings were quite evident - splattered all over, it seemed - as I asked her what she was doing after the signing and if she had some time to talk. She seemed incredibly disinterested...even apathetic. She then intimated that she had a nightmare last night and then trailed off with, "you know how I am with my dreams...."

Yep, I know.

So I get the impression that she had a negative dream about me the night before and for that reason was reluctant to do anything or say anything to me. I don't know. A few of you know that there were a couple incidents when we were together where she dreamed that I left her/cheated on her and she would go an entire day without speaking to me or letting me know in any way what the hell was going on.

I probably looked rather deflated, since I was. She asked me if I was going to DC in the spring, and I told her that I probably was.

I told her that I would wait for her to come out of the signing, which I did. But when she came over, she talked mostly to Randy and Laura and Matt.

The whole interaction didn't last longer than 10 minutes. Probably not even five. I don't know what I was expecting, but it didn't happen.

Hell, I know damn well what I was expecting, and as unrealistic as it is for me to expect her to be happy to see me, I guess I still thought she would be.

It was evident once again that she has moved well past me in her life, hardened her heart after our relationship, and is just not emotionally engaged in what we were to each other - whereas despite the time that has passed, I am still stuck stuck stuck.

Things are a tad better, or at least colder, with me. I did not get queezy so much as just a bit light-headed and shaky.

I have to remind myself once again that she is far different from the person that she was and really from the person I would want and expect her to be if for some reason we got to be around each other on a regular basis.

Superficially speaking, she was wearing make-up...not a lot or anything, but of course she didn't wear any when we first got together, and I don't think she wore any at all until after we had been together over a year. So it's not as if I have this super hang-up about make-up (although the less, the better), but it's just a tiny indicator that she's not the 2000-2001 era Des. (We were an "item" from 9-28-00 to 10-30-02 and then with some fits and starts thrown in after that for good measure/additional heartache)

I, for that matter, am obviously not the 2000-2001 era Wyatt, either. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing overall. I imagine that it would probably be a mix.

Anyway, there's probably very little point to all this rambling. Just me talking and using my blog as a public journal, which is undoubtedly unwise, but fuck it, right?

The slight irony is that I had tentatively planned on asking this girl in my College Dems organization to go to coffee or something with me tonight after the meeting, and I was still going to, but circumstances did not unfold in quite the optimal way and I just decided not to, since my "game" - as Matt would say - would have been/is all screwed up from this whole thing.

As a result, I'll be thinking about this all night and probably for a while.

Great.