Dandelion

As I began to type this up and was thinking of a title, some lyrics floated into my head and I could not immediately identify exactly from what song they originated. This was the piece I kept hearing in my mind:

"Seasons come along and seasons go
And what they'll leave behindI don't pretend to know
I'm afraid that all I have missed
Will loom very large when the darkness lifts"

I was somewhat surprised when I searched and found that the song was "Dandelion" by Audioslave, because it's generally not one of the songs I listen to most often on Out of Exile. Also, songs usually get stuck in my head by their instrumentation, not their lyrics. Anyway, it's a good song, and it fits perfectly with the mood I'm in right now.

The much-awaited Washington Semester is drawing to a close. I'm typing stuff for my blog at 2:40am when I should be working on research, or - at the very least, sleeping. I had to give my presentation today. It could have been much worse. It also could have been better, of course.

I was typing up slides for the PowerPoint on a bench at the Capitol South Metro Station ten minutes after my scheduled presentation time. I had called and notified the instructor that the trains were running a bit behind what I had been expecting and asking for permission to go second, not first. It had been granted, and I was taking advantage of the time. There were still questions being asked of the first presenter ten minutes after I finally arrived, so I didn't feel too badly.

My topic was (and will also be for the paper) the reauthorization of the PATRIOT Act. The reauthorization was passed in March of this year. A lot of the presentation was background that some people knew, and much of it was the actual language of the law that had been passed, with special attention drawn to the problematic/controversial sections like 213 ('Sneak and Peak' searches that can be done without notifying the person whose home/records are being searched) and 215 (the so-called 'Library Provision' that allows the government to go rifling through your medical, banking, library records). There weren't many questions. I threw in a lot of editorial cartoons along the way so people could stare at something besides me. Just do an image search for "Patriot Act" and you'll see a lot of stuff I used.

The point of the post, I guess, is that I've come and almost gone now and I have little to show for it at present. I have not actively searched for jobs. I can blame this on the fact that I've been too lazy to complete an updated and improved resume, but it may also speak to the fact that I'm probably not sure about being down in this area for an extended period of time. I had an excellent time down here and met a lot of cool people, my roommates on the top of that list - but the problem is that I'm not sure I'm cut out for the area and the people here. The cost of living is high - I have no guarantees about employment, on and on. People have moved down here with less, I'm sure - but not many would have succeeded. I've been looking at countless resumes (okay - not countless. Probably 200 or so...) of people applying for summer internships, and almost all look superior to mine. They're applying for internships - not jobs - so I can hardly imagine my competition for the actual job openings. I'm a bit discouraged on that front. Not that I know what I'm going to do when I get back to the Jimmytown area, of course.

I have considered the fact that my internship would look like nothing at all down here, but pretty impressive back home (as far as employers go), and that's a factor. I don't really think I'm ready to plunge back into school yet for a Master's - and I don't know where the money would come from even if I did.

I know that it's that time in my life to get a 'real job.' I'm just not sure what that'll be, or where.
The truth is that I'm pretty much clueless and wracked with self-doubt about the future right now. I've got people telling me that I have 'great potential' and plenty of other crap like that, which only serves to make me feel like I'm going to be big disappointment to them.

I came down here with the naive fantasy that I would so impress my superiors that they would offer me a position within the office with opportunities for advancement and that I would work my way up in the nation's capital, filling the government with radically innovative ideas...blah blah blah. You get that point. Really, I just expected that I would probably get a job somewhere and I would be able to finally hold my head a little higher. Instead, I'm going to be toting around a resume that notes the five year gap between the Associate's Degree at JCC and the Bachelor's at Fredonia - May 2001 to May 2006. What theoretically was supposed to take two years took five instead. Yes, I took a substantial amount of time off, and yes - I learned some important things in those years. But that doesn't change the fact that my life is not turning out the way I thought it would, and it has been moving steadily down a far different path for some time now. It's discouraging...disheartening.

The road not taken, the road less traveled, there's always time to change the road you're on....

I don't know. I'm ready to give in - in a lot of ways anyway. Where to from here?

I'm tired and I'm going to bed now. Four hours if I'm lucky. Wooo hooo.