Catching Up, Part Two

Just got back from my PoliSci final. Globalism was yesterday. I now have two finals and one big, fat research paper left to do. The paper's due by noon on Thursday, then I have an ugly American Century final from 1:30-3:30 and my Critical Thinking (Philosophy) final at 4pm. After that, I'm done with regular classes at the undergrad level for good, although I will have a paper to write and a presentation to give as part of next semester's DC internship.

I've been thinking about how this semester went, and I'm fairly pleased. Not having Aaron around at the apartment may have meant a lack of furniture and computer, but it also meant that I spent a lot more time at the library these past few months. I did much more reading for almost all of my classes this year than I ever had before, and I think I was generally more prepared for quite a few things. That doesn't mean that I appreciably altered my predilection for procrastination, of course. I was still doing papers at the last minute (and still have one more to do at the last minute) and staying up late at night before they were due. However, spending more time at the library was - oddly enough - better for my social life. This semester, I effectively lost some of the friendships I formed when I initially returned to college last fall, but gained other, likely more substantial relationships with likely more intelligent and interesting people. It's probable that I wouldn't be going off to central Europe in a few short weeks if I would have spent less time here, since I wouldn't have been around to have been offered a spot. In addition, I wouldn't have had either of the end-of-the-semester encounters that I've recounted in recent posts...although one of them crashed, burned, and died immediately and the other might fizzle out fairly quickly (like after Thursday...I'll explain more in just a bit).


What I'm saying is that it seems things may have worked out for the best as far as me not having enough money to buy a computer and consequently spend more time alone at the apartment. It was, after all, a positive thing.


So yeah - the Jessica thing. Jessica, for those of you who may be wondering, is 5'2" with just-touching-shoulder-length, just slightly wavy, wonderfully thick lustrous hair. Yeah, that's a bit of a Costanza reference from Seinfeld.


She is yet another Leo - born on August 7th. (Destini, Andrea, and Chelsea were all Leos as well.)


She likes classic rock, but is more into Aerosmith and Guns n Roses than what I would probably describe as higher tier groups like Zeppelin, the Doors, Floyd, Hendrix, et cetera. She likes those bands, but probably couldn't identify individual songs. That's the impression I got anyway.


We talked politics for a while, but I was careful not to reveal too much. She is pretty obviously conservative. She is opposed to things like Affirmative Action, gay marriage, and possibly even civil unions, although I didn't get that direct with her. She did say directly that she thought the prospect of gay marriage "promotes that lifestyle," to which I could only give a slight smirk. Instead of overtly contradicting many of the things she said and getting into an argument, which is not something I normally shy away from..., I took a different road. I merely offered probing questions that aimed at forcing her to consider the ramifications of the views that she held. She held firm for the most part, but seemed intrigued by the challenge to her stance. I offered more than once to change the subject, but she said that she enjoyed talking intelligently about such things and didn't mind disagreement; she also said that no one had actually taken the time or expended the effort to challenge her on individual issues. All in all, the initial conversations went well, and I think we both enjoyed talking to each other. The time passed very quickly and there was a lot of fluidity and smiles at subtle jokes.


I don't know... see, things like that are a big deal to me, but I think they come much easier to other people. Of course, other people might be talking about how fucking cold it is outside or how incredibly shit-faced they were at their last frat party, but I guess they also have fluidity in their conversations. For me, though...it's pretty rare. I tend to latch on when I find that.


We both talked about our initial impressions of each other. She had apparently not even noticed that I had had a beard for a little over a month, but that was the exact time following her breakup, so it's understandable. Yet it also indicated that she was probably not as observant/interested as I was. She said something about how I "carry myself well." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I think it probably means that I act more confident than I am. It must have been a big disappointment to her that I turned out to have such low self-esteem.


I avoided talking about religion for the most part, but I confirmed that she was not a creationist who believes that Earth is 5,000 years old and that the dinosaurs' remains were put here just to test her faith. As beautiful as I think she is, that probably would have made me get up and get out pretty quickly.


I didn't touch the abortion issue. I assumed, being an every-Sunday, no-exceptions kind of Catholic, that might cause a very awkward and difficult impasse in the conversation. Generally, although we did hit a few political issues, I tiptoed around the major ones. Oh well.


Anyway, at Applebee's last Thursday night, she explained that while, "I can't deny I'm interested," she also noted the time constraints of the remaining days of the semester and the proximity in time to the end of her previous relationship while admitting that there was a distinct possibility that it might not be completely over. Even though the previous day in the library she told me that I should have talked to her sooner, she acknowledged that it probably would have been tough for her up to a month or so after the breakup to have been willing to even go anywhere with me. So I can't really kick myself too much for waiting too long to go after her.


It was snowing heavily when we got outside the restaurant. She had wanted to pay, but I said absolutely not. I brushed off her car, which we had taken because it was closer to BJ's, where we had been to listen to Mike K's short fiction reading. We went back to my place to pick out a movie to watch at her apartment (owing to the fact that she has furniture as well as a television that can display the color red, unlike me). She selected the last Bond film, which she had not yet seen, as well as Big Fish. She also noted that she's a Mitch Hedberg fan.


Solid.


So we went back to her place - among a group of apartments above BJ's bar. It's a nice little apartment, pretty nicely furnished. Complete with a picture of her and the ex-boyfriend on the end table on what turned out to be my side of the futon.


Excellent.


I tried not to notice it too much, but of course I kept looking over at it. I wasn't really surprised, and I'm more guilty of hanging on to my own past than anyone else I know, so I put it out of my mind. She had mentioned that he was pretty selfish and hadn't adequately appreciated her during their time together, saying that they broke up so that he could "grow up a little." Consequently, I acted as mature and chivalrous as I possibly could while remaining sufficiently flirtatious and playful.


I probably failed miserably in all these objectives, but at least I had a plan in my own little mind.


I really didn't know how to act once we got to the apartment. Obviously I was very interested, but I knew I had very little chance of getting anywhere in the short time I had. I can't emphasize enough how comfortable I was just talking with her and being with her. Even though I knew how much we probably disagreed on important, substantial issues and that it's unlikely I'll even see her again after Thursday, I was and am compelled to try to be around her as much between now and then as I can. I just simply don't experience that level of relative ease that I do with her.


I also felt a very powerful impulse to put my arm around her and hold her closely from very early on. I don't know why. I felt like I could and wouldn't be rebuffed at all and that it would just kind of work and that we would go together. I can't really explain that properly. If you know what I mean, that's great.


So on the futon, I sat on the right center and she sat on the left center. She had a blanket around her because it was cold. She moved over a bit and our knees touched. I teased her a little and asked her if she was all right with that level of contact.


By the time we were 65-75% or so into Die Another Day (her selection, not mine...I would have gone with Big Fish, given its emotional impact. I warned her ahead of time about the presence of Madonna and her horrible techno-ish theme song. The vibe was obviously very different with a Bond movie than what Big Fish might have been. More Mystery Science Theater 3000, if you know what I'm trying to say - we both made fun of the one-liners and the unrealistic bits, of which there are many), she was kind of cradled from the waist up with my arms around her. I ran my fingers up and down her forearm and through her hair. She had since moved the blanket to cover mostly just her legs and when asked if she was warm enough, she laughed and said she definitely thought so.


I took that as a good sign.


That's really as far as things went, because I didn't want to seem either presumptuous or like I had completely disregarded what she had told me at dinner. There was also that nice picture on the end table every time I turned to my right. What transpired was really the extent of what I wanted to happen that particular night. I was pleasantly surprised that it went as well as it did and I didn't want to ruin it by being greedy. Most importantly, I really enjoyed just being there with her, holding her, and attaining that level of trust with her. It meant a lot to me.


It was fairly late after the movie. Under ordinary circumstances, I'm sure I would have absolutely ruined things by insisting on knowing exactly what she had thought about what just happened and what it really meant and what the future held and on and on. However, I decided, just for once, to shut my mouth and refrain from the temptation of pulling the trigger on that gun poised over my foot.


I did kind of stall at the door because it felt like something should happen, and eventually we embraced and kissed...very tamely. That was really enough, so I said goodnight and skipped off down the stairs.


Well... I never really learned how to skip, actually. My kindergarten report card praised my ability to "gallop," but advised that I should work on skipping over the summer. Unfortunately, I didn't heed this and it haunts me to this day...


You get the idea. I was pretty happy.


This was to be relatively short-lived, however. The next night, we went to the Hook and Ladder at her request. Although we had agreed to go out together with my friends, she went home after the meal to call a friend of hers whom she had promised to call back that night and I went back to my apartment. She told me to call her later.

~ ~ ~

(It is now 10:12pm... I went to dinner with King, Randy, and Laura)

Okay, so she was supposed to meet us out later. King showed up pretty late, and Matt D hadn't gotten there yet. I called Jessica and was told that she didn't feel like going out. She apologized at least twice for "disappointing" me.

I'll admit that I was slightly crestfallen. King and I decided to meet Steph L, Matt D, and Kristen O at a slightly lame party a very long, cold walk away from my apartment. We picked up a six-pack of Blue on the way. We arrived and confirmed fairly quickly that it was indeed lame. The two Matts and I downed two Labatts each and the five of us headed out, but not before Matt K had an awkward encounter with a woman scorned (as in "Hell hath no fury like...).

So we proceeded to have an interesting night out. We went to Ellicottville Brewing Company (EBC) and eventually Pizza, Wings & Things (PWT) and back to my apartment where Kristen O ate half of my chicken fingers.

Saturday at work, I received an email from Jessica. This is the main part of it:

"I wanted to apologize to you too because I don't think I'm being very fair to you. You're probably cursing women right now for being so damn confusing right? I don't blame you. I tried to explain to you at dinner the other night that things are kind of complicated in my life right now and I'm not really looking for anything. But I realize that by kissing you goodnight I probably confused you a little bit - or possibly a lot.

Let me try and be as black and white as I can...I do like hanging out with you. I think you're a really cool guy and we've had really good conversations together. I also know that you are really into me, and I thank you because its very flattering. But I can't give you what you're looking for right now. I don't mind hanging out, but I want "light and breezy", and I think you are interested in more than that. I'm sorry if you've felt I've been leading you on to think something different. Timing was just WAY OFF for you and I right now. I don't want you expecting something from me and then be really disappointed later. I've just got a lot of things on my mind - past, present and future and I really can't handle and don't want anything else. I just need to take care of me right now. Like I said I don't mind spending time with you this last week I'm here but casual is all I can be. If you can't do that or don't want that I totally understand, but hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from too.

Maybe this email was too presumptuous on my part, but nonetheless I felt I needed to tell you where I really stand. I've got finals on Monday but if you still want to talk to me please call."

Of course, I was a little disappointed by all of this, but I was extremely impressed with how incredibly clear and forthright she was with me. Very few women...well, very few people are this direct, and I really appreciated that she took the time to write/clarify all that she did.

Missing from her email was "...and I'm really into you too," which would have been nice to hear, and would have made me feel a little better about things. But I wasn't too surprised, I guess. I complimented her quite a few times, but I think the only thing she ever said about my appearance was that 'carrying myself' comment, so it's probable that she just really wasn't that attracted, which may account for some of her readiness and willingness to leave right away after Thursday's final and presumably not look back. Or maybe she's looking forward to getting back with the boyfriend. I don't know.

Saturday night, I ran into her at BJ's and we talked for a bit about the email. She hadn't read my response, which had essentially praised her for being so open about things and also asserting that no apology was necessary - that I had been quite happy with limiting things to what happened on Thursday night and that I didn't expect anything more, but that I enjoyed very much what did happen. We basically just confirmed that we were on good terms. Her friends were in town, so she didn't join our little group. She did not say goodbye that I'm aware of, which bugged me just a little.

Monday night, we went for pizza at Lena's here in town and went back to her apartment. She indicated that she had a lot to do, so I took off fairly quickly. At the door, I held out my hand to shake, and she rolled her eyes and laughed. I told her again that I didn't get any wrong ideas about anything from the kiss, and I said how I was content just being there with her, but at the end we had regressed to just a hug goodbye.

Today, I saw her on campus after my exam and we talked for a bit. She said that she would "catch up with me later," but that didn't happen tonight. Time's running out, and I feel like both time and my chances of making any kind of real impression on her are pretty much gone already. It's a little wistful.

I wish I would have had just a little longer, but at the same time, I can't be too unrealistic about what would have eventually happened anyway when we met certain obstacles in our respective world-views. I'm not about to start attending Mass every Sunday and I've made my views on organized religion fairly clear in this space before. And Jess is unlikely to undergo a complete transformation about her thoughts on issues. So maybe it's a good thing that things will likely end on a very limited but still friendly basis, and hopefully with her having a fairly positive view of me. Just too bad things couldn't have been a little different - that's all.

So that was one of my longer entries. Sorry to anyone who read the whole thing. It was a chance for me to get a lot of my thoughts down so I can stare at them and come back to them later.

I need to do some research for my paper now.

Over and out.