Abraham

I bring you the one and only Abe, from his most recent email:

What's up everybody? Awesome Abe here.
So get this. I'm the King of freakin' cool right?
Yeah, and what's more is that now I'm even more
freakin' cool. Yeah, and ya know why? Well let me tell
ya why. It's because I got this neat little gadget
that makes me look as cool as I really am. What? No, I
got a razor, I've had one, I'm freakin' cool ya know.
Anyway, yeah, I got this handy little tool that goes
on my waist. What! You crazy man? No, and there's
nothin' little about that tool. Sheesh! As I was
saying, you know how cool I was before, but now
everybody's gonna know how immensely cool I am when
they see me, hee hee, that's funny, but I don't need
to expose myself to get attention anymore because
everybody's gonna know they're in the realm of the
king of cool when they see me talking on a freakin'
cell phone!
That's right ladies and gentlemen. Abe presents the
new chapter of cool, but don't think he's only a few
lightyears ahead of his time because his cellular
phone is equipped with voicemail and a freakin'
camera. Imagine that! Oh, you can't, but that's okay
because you won't be left completely in the dark
because Abe was generous enough to leave his cellular
phone number so that you may contact him at any time
that he's not busy doing something even cooler than
answering his phone, and even I can't imagine what
those things could be. So with no further delay I
present to you (drums rolling) Abe's cell phone
number!
397-1266
(Please note that you are under no obligation or peer
pressure to send or receive phone calls to and from
this number, and Abe knows in his heart (because he
told me and he's honest) that you like him and nearly
worship him no matter the amount of airtime, if any,
that you spend together. And likewise, he knows that
just because he's oftentimes, actually always, cooler
than you (c'mon, he is the King of cool and needn't be
conceited in acknowledging that, plus he's honest) he
still likes you and nearly worships you even though he
rarely, if ever, or will, call you.)
Now, since it's the Christmas season and Abe happens
to be in his holiday spirit, he wishes you a Merry
Christmas despite and because of the religious
connotations. But he won't simply let this season pass
without extending an invitation and a chance at a real
life! Yes, I know you're as excited as he about his
departure for New Orleans shortly after the new year
begins because for one, Abe is always excited, and
two, you simply will be excited when you hear this:
Abe is offering a front bucket seat with manual leg
space and back adjusters, and.. Yep, you guessed it!
Abe is offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to be
his company on a ride and/or stay in New Orleans! All
you have to do is drop by Stockton on your way to
either Fredonia or Jamestown, (because Stockton is in
the middle of these two great towns and nobody ever
plans to stop in the town of Stockton, at least not
til' now, as Abe is likely to kick up the number of
tourists from zero to around one million or so with
this extraordinary offer and his willingness to
finally offer a glimpse of his extreme cool to a
select few) and that was a long gap between the same
thought, so let me restate that all you have to do is
drop by Abe's house to pick up an application or give
him a ring on his brand new out of this world too cool
cellular phone and explain to him or his sexetary why
you think you're cool enough to be his company, and
why you think the people of New Orleans would agree
with that. Thank you and goodbye [click]
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