Fate

Democrat Adlai Stevenson ran against Eisenhower in 1952.

A woman at a campaign rally said,
"Mr. Stevenson, you have the vote of every thinking person."

Stevenson deftly replied, "That's not enough, madam. We need a majority."


I don't know if I became so interested in history because I saw parallels in the past and current events, or if I continually see parallels because I'm a history major.

Of course, I won't be majoring in anything soon, because I have a disease that prevents me from doing any work that I absolutely must.

Anyway, I think I was probably attracted to this field because I'm always focused on what has already taken place and how it constantly affects everything that comes afterward. It is the very nature of time, I suppose. Time's Arrow. Now I DO sound like Brett-Dogg, Philosopher Extraordinaire...

I've had people, specifically in relationships or - ahem - just after them, tell me that I was obsessed with the past. I usually just give the smartass reply that "well, I am a history major."

I'm not sure where it ends, though. Does it end? While on the 1999 Senior Trip in Cleveland, we encountered a palm-reader ('Palmist?') on the docks before boarding that wonderful - cough - "Dinner/Dance Cruise." She was an Indian woman ("dots, not feathers" as Robin Williams would say) who, for a mere five dollars, had something like this to say: "you will be very happy in life...eventually. First you must let go of your past so that you may move on and find your happiness."

Now, that may seem like pretty general advice, but as is the case with any successful fortune-teller or palm-reader or psychic, your clientele must be able to relate your general message to something specific in their own lives. I was able to do just that. At that time, I was very much stuck on the whole Leigh Baumgart situation (the bulk of which had ended almost a year before) and was very much still stewing over her, alternately angry at her and then desperate for another opportunity. The advice from the palm-reader made perfect sense to me. Did I follow it? Of course not. I spent that evening being terse and especially unfriendly at dinner to Leigh and my best friend Ben, with whom she had attended Senior Prom. After dinner, I left the cabin to go up on the deck. I remember talking to Michelle Ribaudo and Mr. Paterniti about my future and complete lack of any idea as to what I was going to do (wow...things have changed so much in five years....) and stalking around the ship for the whole night as seemingly everyone else danced and had a great time.

So have I started to take that advice yet? No, not really. In reality, despite periodic assertions to the contrary, I am still obsessed with my relationship with Destini. I think of her on a daily basis. We have now been apart for longer than we were actually together (by a score of roughly 27 months to 26 months, or something very close to that). I compare every subsequent "relationship" or "interaction" that I have to what she and I had together, which - while not always completely stable - was always incredibly fiery, and passionate. Everything else pales, and fails in this comparison. I bring her up in conversation frequently because I am frequently reminded of her and the things that we did. I use her name less often than I could - many times I stop myself because I realize I must sound ridiculous. I would feel much worse about still thinking so often about her if I could actually believe that it was nothing more than a failed relationship. Instead, to me, it is a failed opportunity for true happiness. I realize I did not do all that I could to keep her, and I realize how much she loved me. And finally, I realize just how badly I fucked it up. So I don't feel too badly about not getting over it yet, because I don't really see myself ever completely reconciling myself to what I did to end the greatest thing I've ever had.

Wow, so it wasn't too long before she showed up on here, was it? I was going to make a post about how this wasn't just going to be a spot for me to try in vain to be funny - it was also going to be a spot where I would always try to be my brutally honest self, in spite of any and all consequences and repercussions. But now I guess I don't really have to write that, because who else puts this kind of shit out there for everyone to see just how screwed up they are? Just me!

Anyway, after I finish not writing my papers this week, I'll have plenty of time to post on here about what an utter failure I've become. And in the meantime, I'm sure I'll find time to throw some other thoughts up as well.

Goodnight everyone. If you have someone dear to you, hold onto them. They might not come back if you let them go.